After a Long and Chilling Silence…

There was massive amounts of hyperbole, and a lot of rambling. Hope it makes sense. It was time to write and just get it out there. 🙂

Today was… one of those days where, if I look at the sum of all the parts, really wasn’t that bad. However, I just wasn’t very happy with the way things went.

I really do think this was mostly my fault. A result of me not being able to totally control my anger, and then subsequently feeling guilty, and then subsequently feeling angry, and then guilty, and then angry, and… you get the picture.

I am just finally getting better after being sick for the past two weeks. Worst sore throat and hacking cough in the history of Sarah. After 8 days of writhing in pain every time I swallowed, I finally decided to get the opinion of a doc. (Or, in my case, a nurse-practioner.) The only good that came of that, was a prescription for antibiotics that was placed on hold for me, if, after a few more days, I decided I needed something. Well, that was pretty much the reason I went to the doctor in the first place, because I was already at that point. So I started the antibiotics the next day. Thankfully I started feeling much better in 24 hours. Here I am, almost 6 days later, and feeling a lot better. Still have a bit of a cough- but functioning like normal.

Accept, this morning when I did my first workout in 2 weeks, I felt yuckier than I have in a very long time (while working out.) And then there was the reduced calorie meal plan that I put myself on. Yeah, I don’t think my body was quite ready for that either. By 11 am, after having a piece of toast with peanut butter and then my protein shake, I was pretty darn hungry. (And unbeknownst to me, I was pretty edgy.) I was out grocery shopping (yeah, I know you’re not supposed to do that.) I had pulled into a parking space that had an empty parking space directly in front of it. I wasn’t planning on pulling forward; every time I do this, someone parks behind me, way too close to my bumper, and I cannot load my bags into my trunk. Well… up pulls this white Lexus, right behind me and honks at me to pull forward! Normally, being the pretty mild mannered person that I am, I would have obliged with no complaint. But not today. It really made me mad. (Maybe my hubby is rubbing off on me.) I did pull forward, but I didn’t park in that empty space. I zoomed off and found a different parking space, away from the offender. Then I got out with my bags and the offender was waiting for me at the door to apologize. She had a broken foot or sprained ankle, I don’t know; she was wearing a boot. But it was all I could do to be civil. As it was, I’m sure the look on my face froze her insides. And then I felt really guilty.
It’s this kind of entitled behavior that makes the world so awful to live in sometimes. I felt I was entitled to the parking space, and so did she. What would it have done to me to just be nice and pull forward 15 feet? It was no skin off my back. And on the flip-side, how rude of her to do that to me! To make her problem, my problem. But, is that what social responsibility is? Helping others out with their problems? And where does it stop? How do we know the difference between scooting and inch, and letting someone walk all over us?

So that is what was at the root of my frustration with this day. I got back home with the groceries, and had to fight very hard to control my temper after that. I felt I was being pulled in several different directions. The girls were flitting around, dragging the entire contents of their room outside. Beau needed help with his math. Kevin wanted me to do some filing for his business and dinner was looming in the near future.

I am still cowering in the shadow of the unattainable model of the Supermom. The woman who can do it all, while sick, with a cheerful word to say and a hop in her step, while looking like she just stepped off the cover of a magazine.
Well, that is just what it is: unattainable.

So instead of lamenting that fact that I can’t be her, I’m going to be happy that I was able to motivate the boys to get all their schoolwork done. Even if it wasn’t done in the time frame that I wanted, and it took a large amount of urging to keep Beau on task. I am going to be happy that the girls spent oodles of time stretching their imaginations and being happy together, out under the sun, getting their natural vitamin D. Even if every item that was in their room now has a fine layer of dirt on it, and it is quite possible that they brought some eight-legged “friends” back in the house with them. I am going to be happy that I (mostly) ate clean and healthy today. Even if it made me cranky, and I definitely overshot my calorie intake. I am going to be happy that my family (well 4 out of 6) were thrilled with dinner tonight. Even if I thought that I could have made something a little less expensive. I am going to be happy that I got the playroom vacuumed. Even though I am sure I will have to do it again tomorrow. I am going to be happy that I got all the business receipts filed away. Even if the rest of our household filing is still sitting on my desk taunting me. I will be happy I cleaned the fish tank, and got one load of laundry done. I will be happy I got dressed, and put makeup on, and did my hair. I will be happy I actually DID a workout today, even if I felt like I just might keel over during the process.

Those are the sum of the parts. It wasn’t all that bad. And I may have even learned something.