When Life is Not So Charmed

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, and I thought I’d still share it just to show where I was at.

“Time for a little honesty and little spilling of my guts. I’m exhausted. These past few months have been a drain on me like nothing else in my life ever has. (At least, that’s what it feels like to me.) It has been hard for me to pinpoint exactly what is causing the exhaustion, so I assume it’s just a cocktail of everything that has been going on.

A large part of it has been a plethora of upsetting news and happenings. Many people who are dear to my heart are going through some REALLY hard things right now. It has been one thing after another. To the point where I have cried out to God, “Make it STOP!”

I have learned something very important about myself; I’m no good at putting other people’s problems aside and not letting them affect me. I have felt everything so intensely lately, that it has almost been too much. (As a side note: I believe my desire to one day become a counselor has been squelched. It would probably ruin me, not to mention my poor family.)

This week, just when I thought things might be on their way back to peaceful, if not to joyful or happy yet-we received some MORE upsetting news. On the last day of school, my son’s teacher informed us that the headmaster had told her my son’s testing
scores (for TCAP, NWEA and DRA, I assume) were not where they needed to be and he needs to be held back. I cannot tell you how frustrating an irritating this was for SO many reasons, and on SO many levels. (On the last day of school? Really? You tell me this on THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!) And if you’re like me, after the initial shock wore off, my head exploded into a million other questions and emotions. Where do we go from here? Can this be repealed? Can we catch him up? Will this even help?
Can I punch the headmaster in the face?

So, my husband and I are kind of at a crossroads of sorts. We are examining how we live our lives, and deciding what to change and where to go from here. “

Since then, Kevin and I have decided to pull the kids out of “school” and teach them here at home. We found a program within the district that will help guide us on choosing curriculum and keeping the kids caught up with their testing as well as financially supporting schooling and extracurricular events. We hope to be able to go with this school.

When I finally let go of the old school, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. (!) I told Kevin a couple of days later, “I actually feel happy. I haven’t felt happy in months!” I had no idea that it was affecting me that much. I had just been grinning and bearing it, because it had to do with my kids education. The next time I feel unhappy-I will root out the reason and change it.

Something I have learned through this is that happiness is not something to ignore the absence of. It’s more than just a feeling; it’s a state of being, and indicator of the status of things in your life. If it goes missing, you’re not supposed to just endure patiently until it comes back. You find out why your happiness is gone and you make changes that will hopefully bring it back. (If slowly but surely.)

I have a ton of peace about this decision. I can’t say it’s how things will be forever or even next year, but I feel that it is just right for this year. I’m excited about the possibilities of teaching my own children. I’m glad that I won’t be handing them off to someone else (I barely know, for that matter) to raise for a large chunk of their waking hours.

In full disclosure, I’m a little nervous. I’m under no illusions that this will be easy. I expect it to be a difficult challenge, but one that I am fully qualified to take on. I am sure there will be days where I am pulling my hair out and wondering why I made this decision. (But like choosing to have kids) I’m sure there will be many rewarding days and that the contentment, fulfillment and trouble will be worth it. Plus, I’m ready to see my kids blossom for myself. I’m looking forward to getting to know them better than I already do. I’m ready to see their confidence built up. I’m ready to see them feel happy more often then not too.

So that is the journey we have chosen. I’m very much looking forward to this year- and absolutely gloating over the fact that I don’t have to eat, breath and sleep the “other school” starting in July! (Or ever again.) Huzzah!